Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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