You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
