Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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