Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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