I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
