The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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