Can i not drive my cunt home
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
