woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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