3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
