If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
