hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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