I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
