Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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