well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
