your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
