You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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