You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
