Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
