i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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