My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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