Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
