My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize