Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
