Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
