Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
