I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
