I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
3pm strippers are depressing
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
