My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
he thought i was a dude.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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