All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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