went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
