just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Your cock deserves a montage
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
