He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
