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I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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