this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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