The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
