It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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