im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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