My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Randomize
