Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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