chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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