I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
