i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
