and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Still dying that you shit outside
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
