I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
