im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
