The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
