i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
