You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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