oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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