Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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