Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
