Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
