why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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