I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
