We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
