dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
