You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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