is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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