saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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