I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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